30th Jan 2008
Instant clam chowder
Not feeling very well today, I mean, mentally. Something has been bothering me a lot lately. Can’t really talk about it here since it’s some private shit but yea I’m down. I need to make a choice, an insanely overly complicated choice. I hope I’ll be fine. Otherwise I’ll just go and kill myself. Sorry for being harsh on you, Herman.
Made a lazy lunch today - instant clam chowder, since I didn’t feel like going out at all (I’ll probably get into a car accident and die if I drive in my current state) Turned out to be quite tasty….at least there were some real clams in it.
Have been listening to this song Andrew sent me this morning - I Do Not Want This by Nine Inch Nails. It totally depicts what I feel at this very moment…
——
Im losing ground
You know how this world can beat you down
Im made of clay
I fear Im the only one who thinks this way
Im always falling down the same hill
Bamboo puncturing this skin
And nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall Im drowning in
2 feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face
And if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
Dont you tell me how I feel
Dont you tell me how I feel
Dont you tell me how I feel
You dont know just how I feel
I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
Dont tell me that you care
There really isnt anything, is there?
You would know, wouldnt you?
You extend your hand to those who suffer
To those who know what it really feels like
To those whove had a taste
Like that means something
And oh so sick I am
And maybe I dont have a choice
And maybe that is all I have
And maybe this is a cry for help
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
I do not want this
Dont you tell me how I feel
Dont you tell me how I feel
Dont you tell me how I feel
You dont know just how I feel
I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to f**k everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters
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